Off the Spiral: Unspoken
by GreyInnocence
Summary: Saeki knows Fuji wants Tezuka. And Fuji will do anything to convince him otherwise. Dubcon, sort of one-sided SaekiFuji, and TezuFuji.


A/N: So… this was really hard for us to write. Like, _really _hard. I mean, not in the sense that we had writer's block or anything--actually I wrote much more quickly than I usually do--but it was depressing as hell, and the whole time we kept saying, "Why are we _doing _this to ourselves?" So yeah. I know I at least felt like it needed to be written after what happened in the Notebook. –Katie

I think Katie pretty much summed it up. This was incredibly hard to write, and I hope you appreciate our efforts…This corresponds with chapter ten of the notebook. On a happier note, Tezuka's mother is not a bitch in this. Usually I write her as not so nice, so this was a pleasant change…Public Service Announcement: If anyone every does this to you it is NOT okay! Coercing people into sex is bad, and if it happens to you, you need to tell the proper authorities. –Scarlet

_"He told me that if I really loved him I would have sex with him...."_

Warnings: Sex, but, like, vaguely-described sex, so not quite lime, I suppose. Also, the sex is dubcon, severely underage sex. …Sorry. Bastardization of Saeki again…

Disclaimer: Saeki is not nearly as much of a bastard in the actual series as he is in this fic. Sorry, Konomi-sensei.

_Unspoken_

It was a long bus ride to Chiba, so Fuji didn't generally go to visit unless it was with his family. Saeki had never had too much of a problem with it; having a long distance relationship had been working for both of them so far, and as long as they got to see each other occasionally, it was worth it.

But when Saeki had called him earlier that day saying he really, really wanted to see him, Fuji had given in. Saeki had seemed... different, almost urgent, and Fuji knew he had to go.

He'd been on the bus for what felt like hours when his phone vibrated, signaling a text from Saeki. _How long until you get here?_

Fuji smiled and texted back, _Twenty minutes. You missed me that much?_

Fuji was a little confused when he was getting off the bus, and Saeki still hadn't texted him back. He flicked his phone open, only then remembering that his phone never got service in this particular area. He must have just not gotten the text.

He worried, though; maybe Saeki was mad at him, was that why this was so urgent? He hadn't done anything to make him mad, had he? Fuji shook his head.

"This is silly. He just wants to spend some time together," Fuji tried to reassure himself, though the thought still nagged at him.

Saeki's house was not far from the bus stop, so Fuji was at his house in ten minutes. Before he could ring the doorbell, Saeki had opened the door, pulled him inside, and pressed him against the wall, kissing him harshly.

"Mm--Kojiro--what--" Fuji managed between kisses. He put his hands on Saeki's shoulders, pushing him away firmly. "What's gotten into you?"

"You love me, right?" The other tensai's eyes seemed to glow in the dim house.

Fuji frowned, confused, shocked, and now a little upset. "Kojiro, what's going on?"

"Do you love me?!" He demanded.

A bubble of panic found its way into Fuji's stomach. "Kojiro..." Fuji took his hands off of the taller boy's shoulders cautiously. Something was not right, and he had to be careful. "You know I do. Please, tell me what this is all about?"

"You're lying," Saeki snarled. "Ever since you switched schools--I see you at tournaments with that kid with glasses--"

Fuji's stomach dropped. "I--Tezuka and I are friends," he said. It wasn't a lie--there was nothing go on between him and Tezuka, no matter how much he wished there was.

"Liar!" Saeki turned away abruptly.

Fuji could see Saeki trembling, and didn't realize that he was too until he slipped down the wall to the floor. "Kojiro, there is nothing between Tezuka and me."

"I know there is. The way you look at him... you don't look at me that way."

He had to do something. He knew he couldn't have Tezuka, he'd resigned himself to that fact--but he couldn't, _wouldn't _lose Saeki. "Kojiro, please--how can I prove it to you?"

Saeki turned around then. "Give me something. Something I'll always have, something you can't give to him."

Fuji immediately knew what Saeki was talking about. "But, Kojiro, we're only twelve!"

"If you loved me, it wouldn't matter."

"It doesn't! I just... We could get in trouble..." Fuji protested weakly, using the floor to push himself up.

"I don't care, and neither should you!" Saeki took a step towards him.

Fuji backed up until he hit the door. "Kojiro... please. I don't think we should do this."

"Because you only want it if it's Tezuka, right?"

"Because I don't want it at all! We're too young, and I'm not ready to..." Fuji flushed. "To do that."

"You'll never be ready with me," Saeki said bitterly, "You don't want me."

"I do! Just...not like this!" Fuji pressed himself closer to the door. "Kojiro, please, anything else I'll be happy to do, but this..."

Saeki shook his head, clenching his fists. "Get out. I'm not going to be with some--some cheating slut who's only keeping me around because I'm the next best thing, so get the hell out!"

Fuji's eyes widened. "No, Kojiro, don't do this."

Saeki pushed him roughly away from the door and flung it open. "Get. Out."

"I--no--" Fuji put a trembling hand on Saeki's arm. "Okay," he said quietly. "If this is what I have to do to make you believe me, then... I'll do it."

Fuji bit his lip as Saeki shut the door with one hand and brought the Seigaku tensai against him with the other. The arm snaked around his waist and up his back. Fuji fought the urge to run when the lock clicked, followed by the sound of the deadbolt sliding into place.

"I knew you'd see things my way, Syusuke..." Saeki breathed against the other tensai's neck. He led Fuji up to his bedroom.

"Do you..." Fuji swallowed. "Do you have... condoms?"

"What for? Are you worried I'm gonna give you something?"

Fuji winced. "No... what about lubricant?"

Saeki shrugged. "I have hand lotion." He started unbuttoning Fuji's shirt. "Don't worry," he said. "I'll make sure it feels good."

"Kojiro, it's not the same." He put his hands over Saeki's, halting them.

"What do you mean 'It's not the same'? It's not like you'd know."

"Kojiro, I've... touched myself... like that before... It's not... Hand lotion is fine for just jerking off, but we shouldn't really use it for," Fuji was sure his face was flaming with embarrassment, "penetration... not the first time."

"Well, I don't have anything else," Saeki snapped, "so can't you just deal with it?"

Fuji bit his lip. _Well, _he thought, _it's already going to hurt, and it's not like I could possibly regret it any more than I'm going to... _He smiled with the most convincing warmth he could muster. "Of course, Kojiro."

"That's my Syusuke..." Saeki pushed him towards the bed.

Fuji didn't protest as Saeki stripped the rest of their clothing off and squeezed some lotion onto his fingers. "Ready?" he asked, hand poised at Fuji's entrance.

"...Yes..."

Fuji didn't remember much of the next part. Pain, thought not as bad as he initially anticipated. Saeki's frantic thrusting. Muted lights and darks and a disgusting stickiness that made him want to bathe. He very clearly remembered what happened after that, though.

"Syusuke," Saeki whispered into his hair.

The tensai kept his breathing pattern steady, hoping his fellow tensai would think he was asleep.

Fuji felt tears fall onto his cheek. _Don't cry, Kojiro! _Fuji wanted to console him. _I do love you. I do. Just... not how you want me to..._

--

Fuji didn't know what made him go to Tezuka's. This was the last place he wanted to be, the last person he wanted to see him like this.

As he was about to knock on the door it opened and a tall woman in gardening clothes came out. "Oh! I'm sorry! Are you here for Kunimitsu?"

"Yes, Ma'am." Fuji smiled politely at her as he came up from a stiff formal bow.

"Which club are you from? That boy just has too many things going on these days! I can't seem to keep them all straight!"

"I'm Fuji Syusuke from the Tennis Club, and you must be Miss Ayana. I've heard lovely things about you."

The woman laughed. "And I, you. Kunimitsu did say you were quite the charmer." There was a spark in her eye that made him wary. She ducked her head into the house for a moment, calling, "Kunimitsu, you have a friend at the door!"

Tezuka came outside a moment later, looking at Fuji in surprise. "Fuji-kun? What are you doing here?"

"Kunimitsu, don't be rude! You have a guest, invite him inside."

"Of course. Sorry, Fuji-kun." Tezuka led him into the kitchen. "Would you like something to drink, or--"

"I'm fine," Fuji said quickly. "I... I don't really know why I'm here," he admitted quietly. "I'm sorry to bother you."

"Fuji-kun, is something wrong? I know we're not that close of friends, but if you need someone to talk to--" Fuji hurled himself into the taller boy's arms.

Tezuka felt tears soaking the front of his shirt. "Fuji-kun?" he said tentatively.

"I'm sorry--I--I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to go home... can I take a bath?"

"A bath?" Tezuka blinked. "I suppose..."

"And after that... if you don't mind... I want to tell you something..."

"Okay," Tezuka said soothingly, if a tad awkwardly, as he maneuvered Fuji upstairs and into the bathroom. "Do you need clothes?"

Fuji hesitated a moment, thinking of how wonderful it would be to wear Tezuka's clothes, but declined. If Tezuka reacted badly, then he would have to return the clothes, and that too could be quite awkward.

"The towels are under the sink, and when you're done my room is two doors to the left." Tezuka left him to bathe alone.

Fuji had never felt this dirty--not just from the sweat and the stickiness between his legs. He scrubbed and scrubbed himself, and the water was cold when he finally climbed out of the tub and drained it, clutching a towel around himself.

Tezuka was waiting patiently for him on his bed, reading a thick tome. He looked up when Fuji came in, fully clothed and towel-drying his hair. "Er... how was your bath?"

Fuji managed a smile. "Fine. I feel a little better."

Tezuka tried not to look expectant, but the tensai knew he was waiting for Fuji to explain his behavior. Fuji perched on the edge of Tezuka's bed and said, very calmly, "I lost my virginity today."

Tezuka tried not to let any of the not-so-pleasant emotions that ran through him show on his face, but he really did not want the details of how Fuji Syusuke lost his virginity. He shut the book and calmly moved next to the tensai. For some reason, Fuji was not as happy about this as Tezuka thought he'd be. Actually, he looked... upset?

Tezuka placed a hand on the smaller boy's lower back. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Fuji shrugged, biting his lip.

Something about Fuji's demeanor made Tezuka think the worst. "It wasn't..." He paused, not wanting to use the word "rape" in case it upset Fuji. "Was it consensual?"

Fuji smiled bitterly. "Technically."

"Fuji-kun..." Tezuka put a hand on Fuji's shoulder. "Why?"

"Because I love him..." Fuji picked at a string coming off the seam of his sleeve.

"I don't understand, Fuji-kun."

"I love him, and he loves me too, but..."

"But?" Tezuka pressed tentatively, hand now rubbing the smaller boy's back soothingly.

"But I... don't love him the way he... wants me to love him," Fuji said slowly. "I want someone else... and he knew that. I didn't want to lose him, so I... slept with him."

"It's not fair to your boyfriend to stay with him if you want to be with someone else," Tezuka pointed out.

"It's not as if I have a chance with him," Fuji retorted.

"How do you know?"

Fuji bit back most of the acidic laughter that tried to bubble forth from his throat. "Well, he's very serious, and much smarter than me, and better at tennis, and even if he was gay, which I haven't the slightest clue whether he is or not, he would be with someone completely unlike me!"

"Fuji-kun, most people aren't nearly as smart or as good at tennis as you are. If that's reason for them not to look twice at you, then they are foolish. And his... orientation... I probably know it... Yamato-buchou gave me a key to the clubhouse because I go in for early practice so often. I see things happen a lot between the sempais..." Tezuka paused. "I don't like to gossip about people, but maybe, just this once, it would be okay, since I'd be helping you."

Fuji shook his head, smiling wistfully. "In the case of this particular person, Tezuka-kun, I think you'd be well-aware of his preferences."

Tezuka blinked. "Is it Oishi?"

The tensai laughed. "No. Think harder."

"Fuji-kun, I--" Fuji was suddenly closer to Tezuka than he had realized and soft, worry-swollen lips were pressed against his.

Fuji pulled away slightly. "I'm sorry, Tezuka-kun. I shouldn't have done that."

Tezuka sat in stunned silence for another few seconds. When he came back to himself, he pulled Fuji close for another kiss, realizing that Fuji was vulnerable and this probably wasn't the best idea--but he really couldn't bring himself to care, because this was what he'd wanted since he and Fuji had played that disastrous match, and despite the circumstances, his heart ached with happiness knowing Fuji wanted it too.

Fuji broke the kiss, looking up at Tezuka with heartbreaking hope and fear in his eyes. "Tezuka-kun?"

"I'm sorry," Tezuka said quietly. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you how I feel before. This could have been avoided..." He kissed Fuji's forehead. "I'm sorry I can't be your first."

Fuji shook his head. "_I'm_ sorry you can't be my first..."

"Don't be so stubborn." Tezuka held Fuji tighter.

"I'm not."

Tezuka sighed, knowing that was the end of that part of the conversation, at least for now. "Are your parents expecting you home?"

Fuji shook his head. "Not until tomorrow evening."

"Stay?"

"I'd love to, if it's all right with your parents."

Footsteps padded to a stop at the door, and a cheery knock sounded on the door. "Kunimitsu, is your friend staying for dinner?"

"Yes, Mother."

"All right, it'll be ready in half an hour."

"Thank you."

The footsteps receded.

"Your mother has scary timing, Tezuka-kun..." Fuji stared at the door for a few minutes after she left.

"We'll go down in a few minutes to ask her about the weekend, unless you want her asking about why you've been crying." Tezuka brushed a thumb over Fuji's splotchy red cheek.

Fuji chuckled weakly. "Not especially. Ne, Tezuka?"

Tezuka almost smiled at the lack of honorific. "Hn?"

"Thank you. For listening, and for... not thinking badly of me because of what I did."

Tezuka gave him a smile, however small it was, and kissed the tensai again.

--

Three years later

Saeki and Fuji had an unspoken agreement that tennis tournaments were not places to bring up bad memories. During tournaments, they were childhood friends and nothing more. Outside of tennis it was different, but as they lived in different cities, there was little chance of interaction. Despite appearances on the tennis court, Saeki and Fuji did not communicate. Fuji was happy with this arrangement, and he thought Saeki was too.

So when Fuji's phone rang and Saeki's name appeared on the screen, the tensai could barely get over his shock in time to answer it. "H-hello?"

"Fuji? Hey, it's Saeki. I, uh, got your number from Yuuta. Look, I was wondering if you might want to get coffee with me or something tomorrow. I'm taking a day trip into Tokyo, and... it's just, it's been a really long time since we talked, you know?"

"It... has," Fuji managed. "Okay. Where?"

Saeki gave him the directions and bid him goodbye, and Fuji flipped his phone closed, feeling rather dazed.

When Fuji entered the small cafe he next day he wasn't sure what to expect. He certainly wasn't expecting to see Saeki nearly tugging at his hair in his seat at the small bar, looking completely distraught, while the confused girl behind the counter tried to console him.

"Kojiro?" Fuji stood a few steps behind him, biting his tongue now. Maybe it was to familiar to call Saeki "Kojiro"? He'd called Fuji "Fuji" and referred to himself as "Saeki," so it probably was...

Saeki turned around, attempting to hide the traces of his chaos with a smile. "Fuji! Oh, um...We should move to a table..." He politely thanked the girl at the counter, who was now looking at Fuji like he was a unicorn, and ushered the other tensai to a booth.

"You wanted to talk?" Fuji started in his usual calm manner.

"Yeah..." Saeki pushed his silver bangs back and sighed.

Fuji wanted to reach across the table and take his hand; this wasn't easy for either of them.

"I'm sorry to just call you out of the blue like that," Saeki started. "I just... I've wanted to talk to you since... it happened... but I couldn't work up the courage." He scratched his head. "After you left that day, I sort of knew it was over, you know? Once I'd calmed down a bit, I was totally horrified, and I knew there was no way to apologize for something like that. "

Fuji shrugged but said nothing.

"I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry and I did love you. I do love you," he held up a hand as Fuji started to frown, "but not in the way I thought I did... I keep thinking that if I could go back, I'd change it all, but I can't, and what I did to you--"

"Stop." Fuji quieted the other boy as the waitress came to get their drink orders. He smiled amicably until she left. "It is not all your fault, Kojiro. I am just as much to blame. I could have said no, you even told me to leave."

"How can you possibly think that!?"

"It was cruel of me to continue our relationship when I had feelings for someone else," Fuji pointed out. "I won't say I drove you to it because I know you'll get angry, but either way, don't take the blame entirely on yourself."

"But I practically--" Saeki lowered his voice to a whisper. "--_raped_ you."

"You did nothing of the sort," Fuji said shortly. "Kojiro, you didn't force me to do anything. You didn't hold me down or threaten me."

"I coerced you! I insulted you, I was violent, I made you feel guilty--"

"Kojiro, stop," Fuji pleaded. "Please, I accept your apology. You don't need to torture yourself."

"I just..." Saeki ran a hand roughly through his hair. "I ruined your first time. I ruined _my _first time. That's something we can never get back."

Fuji stood up and moved to Saeki's side of the booth, so he could talk more quietly. "And there's nothing we can do to change that. All we can do now is move forward. Disregarding the circumstances, I don't mind too much that you were my first. I was resigned to being with you unless you left me, and though I realize how unfair that was to you now, it seemed like the right thing to do then." Fuji gave his friend a small smile.

"Tezuka's a lucky bastard." Saeki hid his face in his arms on the tabletop. "You always were too damn forgiving for your own good. When it came to people you care about being forgiven, that is..."

Fuji chuckled. "And the Kisarazu twins are lucky to have someone who would never hurt them," he said.

"How do you figure?"

"Kojiro, hurting someone you love isn't an easy thing to get over. You know how painful it is. I know you'll go out of your way to make them happy."

Eventually they paid for their food and left the cafe. Saeki ended up walking Fuji to his house, where Fuji hugged him tightly and Saeki kissed his forehead.

"What was that about?" Tezuka asked curiously as he approached Fuji, watching Saeki disappear around the corner of Fuji's street.

Fuji smiled. "I think I've finally put the past behind me."

A/N: …Reading the end now, it feels kind of rushed. :/ --Katie

…I agree again…but I really wanted to end it when we were writing it…--Scarlet


End file.
